Saturday, June 23, 2012

Today I Cried

Today's doctor trip final call: bi-weekly trips to hospital for drip in arm,  nuclear scan of my left femur and hip, chest x-ray, tb test, and chemo by injection. I can take all of that. It was the explanation by the doctor that the insurance, which has me on $620 spend-down per month, might not okay the Zofran (the label drug for the generic drugs that still have me going to the throw-up throne), or the drips, or the nuclear scan. The last time the insurance gave everyone, including my doctor, the run-around, was March of this year. It was two weeks of up and down, "We got it", "The insurance nixed it", etc. I finally hung up the phone, opened my mouth and nothing came out. Just tears falling from my eyes. My friend came over to hug me and she started crying, too. Today, another friend at the hospital, trying to console me, said, "Don't work yourself up. You'll just wear your body out more." Not understanding; only wanting to help. The thing is, I didn't work myself up. I just broke down ...Generally, I don't cry in front of my friends. I usually try to crack jokes. It is only when I've had enough, had too much, that I break down. I never cry in front of strangers. When trouble happened at home and the police where called to the door; I stopped the tears and put on a smile. "Everything's fine officer." They always step around to the door. I figured out it was because other people wouldn't open it if they say them in the peep hole. It got to be rote for me; stop crying, don't show your tears.

Today I cied. I cried in front of my doctor who has worked so hard to help me. I cried in front of strangers waiting for tests to be run. I cried in front of the social worker at the hospital who, after hearing of my story from my friend, wanted to come and meet me "to put a face to the name". I cried while telling them my birthdate, what state I was born in. Cried when I thought of the birth hospital, all the stories of the birth in the elevator- going down, of course- when I was born. The question, Why was I born? went through my head. I stopped crying, though, when the woman taking my x-rays -who had me breathing in and out and turning 'round and 'round until I finally said "I'm gonna faint"-asked, "What makes you think you're gonna faint?" It wasn't until my ears stopped ringing , my skin stopped crawling; that I thought back to that woman's question, "What makes you think you're gonna faint?" What kind of question is that? That point where the cartoon character looks into the tv at the audience with a look of complete wonder. the zen koen, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" It's the utter stupidity or wonder at the world that makes you stop crying.I sat in wonder. How did I get here? Why did I get to this point? What is the meaning of all of this?  And, ironically, all this crying has made my Sjogren's worse. Now I must not cry. I will not cry. Stay strong and carry on.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time, Lee. I can't imagine what you're going through..but be gentle with yourself. The tears will fall, but they don't take away your strength. Peace and love your way. =)